I can´t imagine a bigger burden and a more difficult task than the one of being a father that tries to educate a child in the world which we live. I have put myself in the place of those parents several times and, believe me, the fear of not doing the correct thing is overwhelming. How do we know we aren´t taking the wrong decisions? The answer, of course, is elusive and never absolute, but I think that we can identify and highlight the most basic and important ideas.
Through the human history the family has been the custodian of the culture and the values of the society, trespassing all this knowledge from parents to sons. But the family is also responsible for maintaining and perpetuating all sorts of errors, fanaticisms and social defects. In order to avoid this problem parents should encourage their children to find their own path, their own ideas and their own perspective of the society in which they live. We, as fathers and mothers, have the obligation to help our children in this task giving them all the tools we have in our hands that will let them question everything and everyone.
But, where are the limits of that freedom? Should we draw a line on the floor with a white chalk and just tell them that they can´t cross it? The answer is yes. One big yes. As hypocritical as it may sound, children are exposed to all kind of harm and manipulation, and if we are talking about the ones raised in the circumstances previously described, the danger is even bigger. Parents have the obligation to protect their children from these external agents.
At this point we face another big problem: the protective wing of the parents will interfere strongly in the freedom of choice that we described before. How can we fix this? There isn´t a correct answer for this question. Parents have the difficult task of finding a good balance and equilibrium between both factors.
It is hard, or nearly impossible, to do a list of good examples, but in my personal opinion I think that children should be encouraged to learn from the beginning to respect life, the importance of feelings above material things, the way to find pleasure in the different ways of human expression (i.e. literature, music, etc) and more. But, first of all, the child has to be taught to trust himself in order to help him finding his own way. That implies letting him see by himself that all his actions have a consequence and he might burn if he plays with fire.
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This is a very well-written piece of text. It is well-argued, well-structured, and written in very good English.
ResponderEliminarStructure:
Excellent in every way. You have a good introduction with a clear thesis statement, coherent and unified paragraphs, transitions throughtout, and a balanced conclusion.
Language:
Your language is also very good. It is both grammatically accurate and idiomatically correct. Of course, there are always things to improve, so here's my input:
-In the introduction, you talk about educating a child "in the world which we live". There seems to be another "in" missing (before "which").
-The definite article is not used with uncountable nouns in the generic sense. The only time the definite article is used with uncountable nouns is when there is a post-modifier that makes the noun specific. Examples: "throughout human history" (paragraph 2), "the cultures and values of society", (paragraph 2).
-To trespass means to go onto someone's land or enter their building without permission. The phrase you're looking for is "to pass on" (paragraph 2).
-Avoid using words like "sons" and "he" and "himself" when you are talking about children in general. This is called "the generic he" and it is rather frowned upon these days in academic writing. Try to find gender-neutral alternatives like "children" and "he or she". However, it is perfectly all right to say "father" rather than "parent" as you are writing from your own perspective.
-Since your English is so good, I'm going to allow myself to be a bit picky and remark on something I wouldn't normally mention. "Big" doesn't really collocate with "danger". It sounds more idiomatic to say "the danger is even greater" than to say "the danger is even bigger" (paragraph 3).
-You "make" a list; you never "do" a list (paragraph 5). "Make" is used in the sense of "produce" and "do" is used in the sense of "perform".
Keep it up!
/Teacher
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ResponderEliminarStructure:
ResponderEliminarGood structure – introduction with a thesis which you are going to discuss and also a question that is answered in the text; argumentation part which can easily be followed because of the paragraphs, here you talk about your thesis and your questions; a conclusion which summarizes the main ideas and your opinion about what children should learn.
Content:
Many questions – you give the answer to it. Makes it more pleasant to read. Makes the reader think about the topic. Very good.
Your statement and opinion are clear – you give a lot examples and you have several ideas that you explain here.
You write about yourself as an imaginary father and your worries and important tasks – nice and interesting perspective.
Language:
It was nice to read your text, easy to understand it.
Some improvements:
It was hard to find some other mistakes that the teacher didn’t mention, but here is an idea.
Try to write shorter sentences. It is sometimes better to end a sentence instead of choosing to use a comma. It is easier to understand and to follow your sentences when they are shorter.
As an example:
“As hypocritical as it may sound, children are exposed to all kind of harm and manipulation, and if we are talking about the ones raised in the circumstances previously described, the danger is even bigger.”
You could start a new sentence and write instead of “and if we…” – When we are talking…
“It is hard, or nearly impossible, to do a list of good examples, but in my personal opinion I think that children should be encouraged to learn from the beginning to respect life, the importance of feelings above material things, the way to find pleasure in the different ways of human expression (i.e. literature, music, etc) and more.”
Better: no “but” in the beginning of the sentence, just start a new one – “(…) good examples. In my personal opinion (…).”
--> When you are writing here “In my personal opinion I think…”: you repeat two similar things unnecessarily, just choose one of them.